Sunday, December 6, 2009

Day 69 - Losing motivation

Lately, I've had a hard time finding the energy and motivation to do these workouts. Today, I just didn't.

When I'm stressed from school, I find working out to be a great outlet. I sweat and I burn my negative energy off by exercising, and I come out of it feeling more focused and more able to tackle everything on my to-do list. However, with family, friend or boyfriend stress, it's a different story. My post from a few days ago still rings true, and that issue is still going on. At first I pushed through it and found strength to work out, but I couldn't do that tonight. I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted from this fight. Chris talked with me earlier about doing Kenpo together, and I confessed that I didn't have it in me. We had a long talk that ended with me crying, and deciding to forgo the workout and prepare lunches for tomorrow instead. It's funny. School stress vs. life stress.

I'm still a wreck. I had to stop typing halfway through that paragraph to shed some more tears. Now, not only am I tired from the fighting, I'm frustrated that I let it get to me. I was annoyed at myself for not being able to suck it up and get it over with. I felt like a failure. Thank goodness for Chris. He was very reassuring and supportive which was exactly what I needed. But I still have this nagging feeling of defeat, of failure.

After all of this, in the back of my mind, I promised myself that I would do my best for the next 20 days. I really am proud of how much I've achieved and what I've learned, and I know in my heart that I won't let that go to waste. Still, it's hard when I've been rocked so hard. Tomorrow's a new day, though, and we'll see what it brings.

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